Obama to Nominate Chuck Norris as Secretary of Defense

"Chuck" "Norris" "Secretary" "Defense"

In an effort of bipartisanship, President Obama appears to be skimming over potential nominees such as former Republican Senator Chuck Hagel in favor of television action star Chuck Norris.

The president put forth this decision Monday after being criticized for appearing to be too left-leaning with most of his nominations. Sen. Lindsey Graham is excited for the news and couldn’t wait to let the press hear his reaction.

“This is just terrific. The president has been making some pretty hasty decisions lately, but choosing the all-time greatest asskicker to ever live who happens to be a Republican at Secretary of Defense is clearly a step in the right direction. Mr. Norris is not only a good choice, but he’s also easy on the eyes.”

Sen. John McCain also seemed pleased with the president’s choice:

“You know my friends, Mr. Norris is impeccable with his record of going after the bad guys. I mean, I never missed an episode of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger” once, and he was always on the right side of justice, and amazing at negotiating as well as dealing with others.”

When asked why he didn’t choose former Sen. Chuck Hagel the president responded, “It’s not that I didn’t think Mr. Hagel was a good choice, but Republicans didn’t seem to like the idea. They thought he was too middle of the road, especially with his disapproval of the Iraq war. I really need them to start working with me so I decided to go in a different direction and choose someone equally as qualified and beloved amongst conservatives.”  

According to sources close to Chuck Norris he is apparently excited about the nomination, and can’t wait to “kick some bad-guy ass!” 

The confirmation of Chuck Norris will likely be a speedy process seeing as Republicans love a good “ass-kicker” and Democrats do anything the president asks.

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