Iowa Supreme Courts Stands Up For Long-Oppressed Group: Rich White Men

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In its second surprise decision in less than a week, the all-male Iowa Supreme Court ruled men now have the inherent right to bonk women on the head with big clubs and drag them back to their caves.

Voting 7 to 0 – the same count as their recent decision that allows employers to fire women for being too attractive – the court sought to protect the rights of a group frequently discriminated against: rich white men.

“In our society, rich white men face closed door after closed door,” court spokesperson Monty Pritchett said in a statement after the decision was announced. “They are forced to be job creators with little to no options for any other type of career opportunities. They are burdened with the responsibilities of extreme wealth, and they are subjected to seeing attractive women every day of their lives. Today, thankfully, the court has ruled these men finally have a say in what happens to them.”

“In this decision, the Iowa Supreme Court has stepped up and made it okay for us rich white men to take some control over our lives,” said Phil Mitchell, president of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. “We no longer have to think of ourselves as second-class citizens. For too long we have been expected to make lots of money and to provide jobs and to ogle women and to send them unwanted flirty texts. That undo pressure has crushed and limited us in so many ways. Now, righteously, the Iowa Supreme Court has said to was okay for us to defend ourselves and for us to choose how we live our lives – and with whom.”

According to these rulings, men – primarily rich white men – can now either fire dangerously attractive women, or, if feeling significantly threatened, can bonk those same women on the head and drag them back to their caves. “This gives men the long-denied power to protect themselves from these treacherous ladies who have lorded their Jezebel-like powers over these weak, helpless men for too long,” Mitchell continued. “Finally, we have the opportunity to make the playing field level. Finally, we have justice.”

Reactions to the rulings have been mixed, but both Fred Flintstone and Captain Caveman came out in strong support.

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