NRA President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference today to discuss the Sandy Hook school shooting that occurred one week ago and to address the public’s anger towards the NRA. While LaPierre was quick to blame the media and the entertainment industry for the incident, he also argued there was a proactive solution to prevent such future tragedies: arm newborn babies.
“Newborns need all the resources we can give them. They need blankets and diapers and clothing and food. The basic necessities of life. According to the 2nd Amendment, gun ownership is also one of the fundamental requirements to live a life full of liberty and happiness. Now is the time to fulfill the promise made by our Founding Fathers. Now is the time to arm those babies.”
Questions immediately arose regarding the feasibility of such a plan, but LaPierre was quick to dismiss them: “Yes, we’d have some kinks to work out, but if we can develop a semi-automatic assault rifle that fires 45 rounds per minute and uses armor-piercing bullets – all protected under the Constitution, remember – then surely we can develop a handgun babies can use. The United States would have the safest babies – and hospitals – in the world. It’s kind of a no-brainer.”
Gun-control advocates immediately condemned the idea, but LaPierre pressed on: “I, for one, am not comfortable with my child – or any child – coming into the world and being confronted with such open hostility and not having some way to defend himself. All those doctors and nurses wearing masks, slapping the baby; the mother screaming and the father cutting part of the baby off. And what if, God-forbid, the Queen of England shows up and starts pushing everyone around? Only an armed citizenry can stop that from happening. Only armed babies.”
In reply, Prince William, the future King of England, said, “He’s a daft bugger, that one.”