A stunning announcement from the North Pole today. Santa will not deliver to Republican homes. He is fed up with the GOP trying to bust unions and is taking a stand.
I had the great honor of sitting down to interview Father Christmas.
CH: Santa, may I call you Santa?
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho… Why of course you can.
CH: Santa, as the worlds largest toy distributor, what do you hope to accomplish by taking this rather daring stand against the GOP?
Santa: I’ve been very frustrated with the Republicans for quite some time. You know they make up 72% of the naughty list. But what really gets my goat is this union busting tactic they’ve taken up lately… Would you like a cookie?
CH: No, thank you. So you’re pro union?
Santa: Of Course.
CH: Why is unionization important to you? Doesn’t it eat into your profits?
Santa: Well, yes. But the benefits far outweigh the extra cost.
CH: How so?
Santa: Look… I unionized over 400 years ago. Before that, I’d get an elf all trained up; tinkering toys just the way I like, and then they’d up and leave for a better paying job. I had no retention. There was a very high turn over rate. Beyond that, I’m ashamed to admit, that there was no health care so elves would come in sick and get all the other elves sick and they would then lose days of work. Productivity was way down. Not to mention Rudolph who was literally feeding off the government teat because he couldn’t afford food or healthcare for his family.
CH: Wow. That’s very honest of you to disclose. What made you change your mind?
An elf interrupted us at this point carrying mugs of hot chocolate.
Santa: Hot chocolate?
CH: Thank you.
Santa: Now taste that and I’ll tell you why I decided to unionize.
It was simply the best hot chocolate I’d ever tasted. It was positively orgasmic.
CH: Oh my God…
Santa: That’s why. By unionizing and giving my workers a decent pay check and health insurance, I found that my workers stayed on. Productivity went up and the elves had a chance not to just learn their jobs but to excel at them to become real craftsmen, if you will. Then demand went up because people wanted quality toys that would last a lifetime. The elves are more invested in the company now. When the toy making center does well, profits go up and pay goes up. Everyone wins.
CH: What do you have to say to those GOP leaders that have been pushing the union busting agenda?
Santa: I’d tell those greedy scum sucking bastards they better get with the program.
Santa: I’m sorry but what they are trying to do really chaps my cheeks. They are hurting people and for what? Greed.
CH: Your cheeks are quite rosy. Anything else?
Santa: Yes, Mitch McConnell can forget about those turtle neck sweaters he keeps asking for. I don’t know why he wants them he looks horrible in them. And Paul Ryan, no more hair products for him. John Boehner can forget about another tanning bed. And that Scott Walker…He’s on the naughty list permanently.
CH: What would you suggest for those Republican parents that will have to buy their own gifts this year?
Santa: How about coal. They seem to be into all those fossil fuels.
With that, Santa laughed heartily and is belly really did jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.
Santa: That’s another thing. People should start investing in renewable energy. Do you have any idea how much it would cost me if I had to visit every house in the world on one night if I was running on gasoline? I’ve been running on renewable reindeer power from the beginning.
CH: I agree. Any suggestions for non-Republican parents if they’d like to supplement your gifts.
Santa: Shop locally… Mom and pop shops. Stay away from Walmart and other big chains. You know they get most of their sub-standard toys from China and they treat their employees worse than cattle. Did you know China is trying to usurp me? They have a Chinese Santa now, a false Santa, that only brings small toxic plastic toys that are choking hazards. No craftsmanship. The working conditions are so bad there they have to put up suicide nets to save workers that hurl themselves off the roof. It’s just disgusting.
CH: That’s just not right. We have to find a way to stop them.
Santa: That’s why you’re on the nice list.
CH: Thanks Santa.