Norquist Admits He Seeks Revenge Through Power After Being Picked Last For Dodgeball In Junior High

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In an interview with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly, Grover Norquist seemed to reminisce about his younger days in Junior High School.

Kelly initially asked Norquist what his plan is to retain the remaining members of Congress who signed his pledge to keep their word. He replied, “I’m just going to have to hold them to their word. They said they wouldn’t agree to pass anything that raises taxes, and that is what I expect them to do.” 

Kelly then asked, “Why did you ever feel a pledge was necessary in the first place? Why not just work to make sure we elect representatives who hold your values in regards to fiscal responsibility?”  

Norquist responded, “I have trouble trusting anyone. It’s been something I’ve had to deal with all my life, so I felt the only way I can be sure everyone is on the same page as me and my group ‘Americans for Tax Reform’ is to make them bound to a contract.” 

“Well what makes you so untrusting of our representative republic?” asked Kelly.

Norquist replied, “It stems back to Junior High School. No one, not one person ever wanted to pick me to be on their team in gym class. My favorite was dodgeball, and back in the day I was pretty spry and thought I was pretty good – but nope, not a soul wanted me on their team. Now I seek legislative power, and have worked my entire career making sure I get back at those kids who treated me so poorly. I make sure I stand up for big business only, which will squash any of their dreams and aspirations. I force politicians to sign pledges which would ordinarily seem treasonous because it goes against the constitution, but I don’t care! I will get my revenge! Those jerks will rue the day they ever picked me last!” 

Kelly responded, “Well that seems a little extreme. So you mean to tell me that the only reason you stand up for big business and Wall Street is to get back at former classmates from Junior High School?”

“That’s correct, Megyn,” said Norquist. “Otherwise I’d have voted for Barack Obama, he seems to be the only one not out for some form of revenge or another, and actually seems to put the country before himself. Most of the Republicans in Congress are there because they were bullied in Middle School and don’t want any of their peers who are now in the middle class to have a prosperous future. I even overheard Sen. McConnell on the phone with his wife saying, ‘They think they can call me turtlehead and get away with it?! They think they can force me to eat lettuce at lunch and not think there won’t be any consequences?! Well they picked the wrong guy to mess with, I’ll make sure they pay for the wealthy to stay wealthy while they make NOTHING!'” 

“Is this all true?” asked Kelly. “Those seem to be some pretty outlandish allegations, and some pretty immature reasons to try and hold legislative influence.” 

“Are they, Megyn? Are they?” replied Norquist. “What would you know? You were probably always picked first. You and that pretty face and hair. You just don’t know what it’s like, Megyn. You just don’t know what it’s like.”

Norquist then abruptly ended the interview ripping off his earpiece and storming off the production set leaving a stunned Megyn Kelly and a prompt commercial break.

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