Paul Ryan Actually Two Kids in a Burlap Sack

GOP supporters across the country have reacted with stunned disbelief to the discovery, made in the weeks following the presidential election, that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan was actually two kids disguised in a burlap sack.

The children in question were revealed to be Sam and Davey Finebrenner, ages 5 and 7, and were reportedly more relieved than anything else that their deception had been discovered. At a press conference this morning outside the boys’ Madison, WI residence, Davey, dressed in a sweater vest and tiny chinos, told reporters that he and his younger brother were especially glad the election was over because they were “tired of having to stay up late to campaign all the time.”

“Please don’t tell our Mom we did this,” the younger Finebrenner added. “She’s going to be so mad.”

Political analysts on both sides of the aisle have raised the question of how a child, even standing on another child’s shoulders and wrapped in a burlap sack, could have won the nomination for one of the highest offices in the country. Had Mitt Romney been elected, the tiny Finebrenner boys would have been a heartbeat away from the presidency.

However, many Republicans have acknowledged that the two kindergarteners did in fact run what conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh referred to as “a hell of a campaign.”

“I’m proud of our boys,” Limbaugh said during his weekday radio program. “Like many conservatives, they didn’t let the fact that they were barely literate and cognitively underdeveloped stop them from working hard to achieve their dreams. They are an inspiration to all Republicans.”

Limbaugh added, “I look forward to voting either one of them into some sort of political office, ten to fifteen years from now.”

Critics have questioned how Sam and Davey had also managed to be elected to the US House of Representatives in Wisconsin in 1998, before either had been born. The matter is reportedly currently under investigation by the House Committee of Oversight.

House Speaker Boehner released a statement in support of the children, suggesting that their success came in a large part because they were “in the right place at the right time in our nation’s history.”

He concluded: “Children or not, Sam and Davey Finebrenner happened to have a lot of ideas that really resonated with today’s conservatives. Their thoughtful, nuanced opinions on fiscal policy and reproductive rights aligned remarkably well with those of the Party’s base. It was an honor to accidentally elevate them to the national stage, and we’re sad to see them return to kindergarten and first grade, respectively.”

 

 

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