Humbled GOP Decides It Must Do A Better Job Hiding Its Shitty Positions

The Republican Party has come to a consensus after a lengthy postmortem analysis of their recent election day humbling.

Questions were raised as to whether the party’ platform and positions were out of step with the majority of modern Americans and appeals were made to choose positions that were more in line with a modern democracy of enlightened citizens. These were soundly rejected in favor of just doing a better job obscuring their awful positions.

“We’re going to make sure we talk less about rape. Look what happened when our guys opened their big mouths. Oh yes, we’re totally going to keep blaming rape on the victims and trusting wacky biological theories of a woman’s dark scary place that have no basis in fact, ” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus.

“We’re going to insist that a fertilized egg is a person. We’re going to want that thing named even before the couple lights up a post-coital cigarette. We’re going to want to put medical instruments in as many orifices of abortion-seeking women as we can get away with. We’re going to try to remove any traces of “evolution” from school books across America. We’re going to prevent gays from so much as attending a school play. We’re going to insist that anyone darker than Karl Rove must show their papers whenever asked. We’re going to try to deny healthcare from as many people as possible. We’re going to continue to believe that lowering taxes magically rains jobs from the sky. We will continue to believe that scientists are agents of the United Nations, bent on perpetrating the global warming hoax. We will continue to believe that most Americans are dirty sponges who only want free stuff.”

“But you saw how well the polls treated Mitt Romney once he started denying stuff in our platform. We’re just going to need to keep this stuff on the low down, if you know what I ean-may.”


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