In anticipatory dread of a second-term presidency for Obama, America’s wealthiest citizens have reportedly taken to rioting in the streets—breaking storefront windows with diamond-tipped canes and flipping over Hummers and private jets. Several upscale galleries in Manhattan sustained severe damage during a recent uprising by a mob of angry plutocrats, which police are now referring to as ‘The Night of Broken Monocles’.
Lower and middle-class Americans have fled in terror as crowds of well-dressed protestors, often wearing evening gowns or full tuxedos, have glove-slapped innocent bystanders and lobbed caviar at pedestrians from the tinted windows of their stretch limos. One high-end department store in Manhattan reported that piles of spats and top hats had been set ablaze on the sidewalk outside the building in protest.
“We’ve never seen rioters wearing pearls and carrying opera-glasses before. It’s quite a sight,” said one police officer, on duty at the scene of a mob in East Hampton. “I can’t seem to walk two feet without stepping on a monogrammed gold cigarette case,” he added.
CEOs in corporations across the country have been engaged in what one executive described as a panicked “orgy of outsourcing”, shipping jobs overseas as fast as they’re created. Representatives of Swiss and Cayman Islands banks have reported a sudden surge of large cash transfers, as wealthy investors move their personal fortunes offshore in droves.
Earlier today a large woman wearing furs was seen climbing atop a statue on the Park Avenue median, where she began shouting through a bullhorn.
“Won’t someone please think of the wealthy?! We must protect our fortunes! Save the 1%!” she screamed, before being arrested by police.
She was later seen climbing the statue again, having hired a costly team of lawyers to get her out of jail.