Mitt Romney may be out to get your vote but Mormon missionaries are out to get your soul.
Reports coming in all across America show that scores of sharp dressed Mormon missionaries have been unleashed on the God-fearing public and are targeting homes with Romney signs in the yard for their religious conversions. It is suspected that homes displaying the Mormon Presidential candidate’s campaign signage would be more receptive to hearing their message for salvation. Thousands of eager missionaries have been pounding on doors all over the U.S. to take advantage of this opportunity to spread their message.
The two missionaries that I interviewed while preparing this story explained that Romney’s popularity has really been opening doors for them in ways never expected. Before his notoriety many feared Mormons as they were considered a cult made up by some crazy old charlatan as a way to get piles of chicks and cash. (A comical reference to their early polygamist roots.)
These two were encouraged by a recent report that posterior shootings of their fellow missionaries with rock salt-laden shotguns in the Southern States has reduced by as much as 3%. For those that are unaware, rock salt shootings are a time-honored and traditional way of dealing with trespassers, salesmen, chicken thieves, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and cattle rustlers in the deep South. Shotguns are kept near the porch loaded with rock salt filled shells (instead of lead pellets) to prevent serious injury to the individual while inflicting maximum pain as salt rocks are shot in to the buttocks of one as they flee the property in a mad cartoon-like dash.
The church/cult has been a strong financial contributor to the Romney campaign in hopes that his success would in turn help with their public relations.
A recent survey posted on the official website claims that conversions in the bible belt alone have risen almost 1% since the campaign gained momentum.
Additionally, Elders in the church are betting heavily that a Romney administration would repeal the laws regarding polygamy and allow church members to have multiple wives again. They figure that if the gays can get married they should be able to have the extra women.
Either way they are banking on manufactured dissent to influence voters to turn against the Obama administration, help spread their message and elect the first Mormon President. Many within the organization were shocked when they saw a black man become President before a Mormon. (Blacks were prohibited from attaining priesthood by the church until 1978 because their “prophets” taught that they were the “seed of Cain” and “the devils representative on earth”. This was changed to help the church gain popularity and avoid persecution in an ever-changing racial climate).
They believe that an Obama Presidency signified the reign of Satan and that it is their duty to stop him. This belief was shared by many in the G.O.P base of fundamentalist Christians and served to help unite the two with a common goal of ending Obama’s reign of “Godless Socialism”. Although this was the about the only thing the two long-time rivals had in common.
Most Christians disregard their doctrine as a sham and call Mormons “cult members”.
Mormons believe that their doctrine is legitimate and claim it was sent down from God directly to their prophets. They prefer to be called “Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”
Many church leaders believe that a Mitt Romney Presidency fulfills their prophecy and will pave the way to establishing God’s kingdom on earth, making America the capitol of Heaven.
But not everyone is so inspired by the church’s rise in popularity or the unwelcome knocks on the door.
Talk show host Rush Limbaugh went on a 3 hour rampage about how he spent an afternoon trying to rid his home of Mormons after two snuck in as he was going out to get the mail. He explained that they just wouldn’t take “NO” for an answer and after they teamed up on him and wore him down he feared the only way to get them to leave was to convert.
He advised Republican Christians that although it was too late for him they should take these steps to protect their souls and repel Mormons from invading their doorstep.
1. Draw a Christian fish symbol holding a shotgun on your Romney sign to signify that this is a proud NRA supporting Christian home. You could also put a star of David symbol on your sign to signify that you are Jewish. Or you could remove the Romney sign altogether and replace it with a Ron Paul 2012 sign. (To show them that you are crazy and they should not approach your domain.)
2. Smear the blood of a first-born lamb over the top and sides of your doorway.
3. Throw used cans of Four Loko across your lawn. (Mormons are repelled by caffeine and alcohol).
Rush ended his broadcast saying that as of this week they would no longer allow Coca Cola as a sponsor of the show and that he was reluctantly considering a mission to Costa Rica in the future.