For months, aspiring satirist Eric Hetvile has been unable to invent hilariously crazy stories about Republican positions on abortion and rape.
It isn’t for lack of trying. Every time he dreams up an outlandish quote to attribute to a real or imagined Republican lawmaker or aspiring lawmaker, fiction becomes fact and his piece is again off to the wastebasket. Anything from forced sonograms, how “forcible” or “not as forcible” a rape was, comparing rape pregnancies to out-of-wedlock pregnancies, “some girls rape so easy”‘, “rapist baby blessings”, pregnancies never occurring from “real rapes”, to abortions never being needed to save a mother’s life because of modern science, have all came to pass in real life.
“Then I thought I had it. I’d say that a Republican said that rape pregnancies are God’s will, so therefore a rape victim must be forced to carry the baby to term. I thought it was genius. I mean, what kind of a nut would actually say something like that, right?” said Hetvile.
Then Republican Senate hopeful Richard Mourdock said just that. The sanctity of life must trump any personal liberties on the victim’s part, explained Mourdock. After all, circumstances of Jesus’ birth are a bit sketchy as far as consent and who knows when the next Jesus is going to be coming around. “Fucking asshole! That was MY idea!” Hetvile remembers screaming at his TV.
“It looks like there’s nothing that can be said, no matter how outlandish, that some Republican couldn’t actually end up saying. So I’m about all out of ideas. The only one I have left is that Republicans have decided as a group that if a woman becomes pregnant through rape, the government will pay for the delivery and all of the associated costs of rearing a child, including college tuition. This will be paid for by increased taxes, because the sanctity of life trumps all earthly budgeting and taxing concerns of this life. But NOBODY is going to believe that one. Fuck it. I give up.”
