Last Undecided Voter Trampled to Death by Reporters

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Myron Jones of Parma Heights, Ohio was trampled to death Tuesday evening as he made his way home from his job as a construction foreman. Myron, the father of three, has been in the news recently as the last remaining undecided voter in the United States. Unfortunately, he will never be able to make that elusive decision. As Myron walked up his driveway he was mobbed by over eighty national and regional reporters all asking for his thoughts on the third Presidential debate. The media was truly worked into a frenzy and did not realize that they had knocked the 55-year old man to the ground. By the time the chaos was cleared it was already too late, Myron Jones had been trampled to death.

Myron Jones was the son of Ethel and Bert Jones. He spent one year at Cuyahoga Community College before dropping out to enter the work force. After spending the first few years job hopping, he began working for Luther Construction and ultimately earned the coveted position of Foreman after a mere 25-years. Myron has voted in every election since he turned 18, though only for President and Governor. He had attributed his inability to make a decision to being “too busy just trying to get by to pay attention”. His election year strategy was to completely ignore all of the election coverage, watch the three debates and then make a final decision. He admits, “It’s not a perfect strategy, but it is all I have time for.” This means that Myron would have never accumulated the wealth of information bestowed upon American citizens. He would not know that Mitt Romney was opposed to women’s rights, equality, education, environmental and banking reform, teachers and unions. He would also not know that Romney believes that 47% of Americans (which by definition would have included Jones) are “dependent upon the government” and don’t take “personal responsibility” for their lives. Myron Jones also would have never learned that President Obama was in fact, born in Hawaii. Still, as a single father, he believed that spending quality time with his children was more important than watching the “political soap opera”.

Unfortunately, as family and friends prepare for Myron’s funeral, the media frenzy has found another potential victim. After reviewing footage of Myron’s demise, amidst the pleas for help they heard him mutter one final phrase, “There is anoth-er…unde-cided…vot-er….”  The news agencies have searched diligently and are narrowing in on their next target. Lola Sanders of Madison, Wisconsin woke up from a 7- year coma yesterday afternoon. Evidence shows that she voted for Reagan in 1984 and Clinton in 1992 and 1996. Without any knowledge of this election, she is truly an independent voter. As news agencies descend on Madison, Lola’s family has placed her into hiding until after the election. If Myron Jones were still alive, I am sure he would agree. Run Lola, run!

Check out more from Orbson Rice:

You can purchase his book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” for only $2.99 on Amazon!

Or read more of his contributions to Free Wood Post:

The Walking Red: The Truth About Florida’s “Zombie” Attack

Complaints Force Organizers to Completely Reformat Presidential Debates

Campaign Unveils Mitt Romney V5.0

GOP Celebrates New ‘PreSin’ Pregnancy Prevention Pill

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.

 

 

 

photo by: internets_dairy

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