A new national poll conducted by the firm Rasmussen Reports has determined that 100% of self-described Democrats are totally losing their shit in light of the closeness of the upcoming Presidential election. The poll results have a margin of error of plus or minus 1 percentage point.
“Am I completely panicked about this election? You bet your ass I am,” said Josh Williams, an accountant from Maryland who was twitching visibly during his interview. “We had this thing in the bag three weeks ago!” he added. “What the sweet Christ happened since then? I don’t *$&(*# believe this!” Williams then bit his necktie in half before wandering away.
Archer Levy, a middle-school principal from Teaneck, NJ, was discussing recent polls which show the two candidates neck-in-neck with only days to go before the election when he suddenly went quiet and curled into fetal position.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered from the ground. “I can’t seem to stop doing this.”
After popping a Xanax, Levy was able to get to his feet and continue. “It’s just unfathomable to me that a guy who couldn’t take a trip to the UK last spring without making enemies—who has less foreign policy experience than an air-mail envelope— could be elected to represent our country on the world stage during this nuanced and dangerous era,” he said. “The idea that there are enough people in this floating garbage scow of a nation to put that corporate shill into office makes me want to crawl under my desk and stay there until I lose my health insurance coverage and die of an easily preventable illness.”
Other Democrats polled expressed similar sentiments, with 57% reporting that they seriously wanted to know who in the country was still considering voting for Republican challenger Mitt Romney.
And a 73% majority agreed with the following statement: “I don’t know what could possibly be done at this point to change the minds of Americans who are planning to vote for Romney in this election, because literally everything that could happen to make it clear that he an inconceivably terrible candidate has already happened, so at this point it seems like my only option is to go vomit in a trash can out of fear and rage.”
The most succinct response during an interview came from Alicia Holt, a registered nurse from Scranton, PA. “I don’t even – defunding Planned Parenthood!” she stammered. “What the – binders of women!? Job creators?! Landlocked Iran…Big Bird…47%?! Horse dancing – TAX RETURNS!?”
Holt waved the interviewer away and began breathing into a paper bag.
As of press time, in a move reminiscent of conservatives who hoarded bullets prior to Obama’s election, liberals anticipating a Romney presidency were said to be hoarding contraception, respect from other nations, and public television programming.