NASA is baffled by a confrontation that occurred yesterday between what appears to be a wealthy Martian humanoid and the Curiosity Rover. The Martian approached Curiosity, shaking his fist.
He called the rover “just another tyrannical Democratic machine,” and shouted that it was “getting in his way like all the others.” “You people are trying to ruin my life,” he exclaimed. He then looked up to the sky and cried out, “Curiosity killed my cat!”
Seconds later, a rare, hairless breed of cat pounced out from beneath one of the Martian’s huge piles of US currency. The encounter ended immediately as the Martian picked up his cat and wandered out of sight, muttering expletives.
Further exploration of the area revealed the Martian has collected at least a dozen large piles of bundled US one-hundred dollar bills. The estimated value of all the piles is somewhere between fifty and one hundred million dollars.
Prior to the confrontation, Curiosity had been following a trail of unidentified organic material with its scooper. “It looked kind of like Almond Roca®,” said one scientist. NASA scientists say this is what led them to the Martian humanoid and his cat. They believe the Martian’s cat must have been frightened by the rover, that it ran and hid beneath one of the money piles, and caused the misunderstanding.
Still, so many questions remain unanswered. According to a NASA spokesperson, the agency still does not know how it’s possible for this wealthy humanoid to be living on Mars. “While it’s puzzling that he speaks clear American English, making us believe that he traveled from Earth, and his appearance is like a green love child of Donald Trump and Dr. Evil from that Austin Powers movie, these are not the most unusual aspects of this event.”
The spokesperson added, “What really has us perplexed is the matter of his survival. Not only did he seem healthy, but he appears to be a specimen of spontaneous self-inflicted success. On Mars, we don’t see the typical resources that contribute to economic well-being. There are no customers, no employees, no schools, no libraries, no roads, no hospitals, no utilities, no networks, no military. This situation differs greatly from the ‘I built it’ scenarios we have seen on Earth from folks who have benefited from government contracts, or, as with that lumber yard guy; from federally maintained forests and public highways.”
NASA scientists have said that the event offers clues that could answer two of their biggest questions. Is Mars habitable by humans, or are radiation levels too high? Are previous signs of water now more meaningful? The event offers hope that the Rover will encounter an active water source and perhaps even more humanoids.
“If we encounter more Martian humanoids, I do hope some of them will be socially adept,” added the spokesperson.