In response to growing criticisms that he’s provided scant details on how to avoid worsening the deficit with his proposed 20% across-the-board tax cut, Mitt Romney’s campaign has unveiled a plan to sell up to 17 American National Parks and Monuments to private corporations both domestic and international.
“Look, I understand that the parks are nice and they are fun to go to. I myself have fond memories of going to Zion Canyon as a youngster. I loved it! But we’ve got a deficit problem, we’ve got a lot of these parks, and we can’t afford to give the tax cuts that we need to make to foster the kind of growth to create jobs and prosperity without sacrificing a little,” said Romney. “Americans don’t even go to the parks. I’m told that it’s mostly Germans and Japanese that go there anyway. So why not take in this revenue to allow for tax cuts which will grow the economy and jobs and prosperity? You’ll still be able to go to the parks, you know, they can’t take them to other countries… It’s a win-win for America.”
“Though there’s something fundamentally wrong about everyone sharing land, the National Parks are supposed to belong to the people. And corporations are people, my friends. So the National Parks belong to corporations, too. So I believe this is quite proper. We’ve got big smoky things in Yellowstone, so there may be some oil or coal under there and I think that should be explored…we’ve got both Redwood National Park AND Sequoia National Park. How many places to we need to set aside with big trees anyway? And the Grand Tetons…there are many Tetons there, I think we can spare a few. We can sell the Badlands…because those don’t sound too good anyway. We’ve got several different caverns and caves, many of them in the same state, so some of those can go. Mesa Verde is just a bunch of old Indian houses…many of them don’t even have roofs. The appraisals on those things would be brutal. The Grand Canyon is not worth much as long as we maintain water rights upstream. If we can get some entity to actually pay for these things, we should absolutely do it. I’m told that allowing one additional carving to the left of George Washington on Mount Rushmore could be worth up to one trillion dollars, which could be used for even further job-creating tax cuts!”
The plan has not been well received by environmentalists. “The idea of having National Parks was a uniquely American idea and it’s ridiculous that we’d even be having this conversation, ” complained Sierra Club President Robin Mann. “John Muir would roll over in his grave!”