Paul Ryan Files For Divorce From Reality, Claims “I Am Married To My Vision”

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Leading up to his debate with Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, Republican Paul Ryan as announced plans to file for divorce. Not from his wife Janna Ryan, but from all the major tenets of what most people call reality. Apparently, Ryan is tired of being called out by fact checkers who have found fault with virtually everything he has said, written, or believed.

“I’ve always admired my supporters for their ability to completely separate what they are saying and how they are voting from their actual lives. Voting against their own interests has enabled me to become one of America’s most recognized House members and put me in position to be the next president – er, vice president, of the United States,” Ryan said in a statement.

“I’m both blessed and cursed, because of course I’m smarter than them – and more athletic, just look at my marathon time. The mainstream media took me to task for what they called stretching the truth, but were they there? Did Chris Matthews run the race with me?”

When asked if it were even possible to divorce reality, Ryan became combative.

“Reality is real, just ask that science guy. If it’s real, and if it’s held in such high regard and loved by so many progressives, is it so far-fetched to say that society has become married to reality under our socialist president? Once we determine reality is a real construct of the progressive agenda, then it becomes mandatory that true conservatives in effect divorce themselves from it. As a leader of Tea Party conservatives, I’ve decided to take the yoke on my shoulders and actually go through a court to divorce reality, as an example to other freedom-loving Americans.”

The terms of the divorce Ryan is filing indicate that he has named several aspects of reality specifically that he is dismissing. Ryan’s statement claims there is no way humans can alter the environment “at either the macro or micro level,” because “that’s God’s job.” He speaks about science in negative terms, saying science is “only as good as the interpretation.” When pressed for details on that one, Ryan used evolution as an example.

“I didn’t come from a monkey, regardless of what my ears look like, and true Americans know the Earth is only 5,000 to 6,000 years old.” He also railed against real math that calls into serious question his and Mitt Romney’s budget and tax proposals. “Conservatives know math, we know 2+2 does not equal Barack Obama and socialism!”

Once Ryan’s divorce from reality becomes final, the base should rally around him even more. Will that be enough to convince independent voters? That remains to be seen, but the fact that they are still undecided points to them probably being uncomfortable with reality themselves.


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