Arkansas Republican Congressman Case Closette came out hard today, attacking ABC’s Good Morning America as no longer being a credible source for weather forecasting. He cited weatherman Sam Champion’s recent announcement of his impending marriage to another man as the main reason to discount the veracity of their weather forecasting.
“This is a really bad example for our kids. Look, Satan has obviously taken Mr. Champion’s nice, firm body into his clutches. He’s forced him to admire the rippling muscles of a handsome Latino man. This is what Satan does. He forces people to go against the ways of Jesus and makes them succumb to the pleasures of the flesh. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Look at what Satan’s done to that man’s body. Now that is a good-looking man, you know, if you were wanting to sin against God. He’s made him practically irresistible!”
“So we can no longer trust any weather information that comes from ABC. If Satan can take someone as strapping and manly as The Champ and make him love another man, there’s no telling what he can do to his weather forecast! He’ll make you say it’s cold, when it’s totally hot. He’ll make you say it’s dry, when it’s raining. Man!”
Closette further explained that he knows the powers of Satan, because Satan constantly tries to tempt even him, though every time he successfully resists with every fiber of his being. Once he was once approached during a Bette Midler concert, and he routinely attracts the attention of lustful homosexuals at his favorite bar, “The Shaft”.
“But because I read my bible, I simply tell those men to change their ways. Especially that Ramon, who never called me back…that bitch!”