Coming off a surprise victory in the first presidential debate, Mitt Romney promised on Friday to figure out if Snuffleupagus is real or not and if so, cut the roughly ten dollars and fifty cents it costs to animate the creature on Sesame Street each month, or, preferably, the tens of billions of dollars it costs each week to bring such an imaginary character into existence.
“I’ll be honest, we need two trillion dollars more in defense spending, which I’ve pledged to the military for over a year now,”
said Romney. “If Snuffleupagus isn’t real, well, then we’re gonna save several dollars of taxpayer money by phasing him out. Over a year, who knows what that will add up to, maybe the two trillion we need for our military that they never asked for. Also that twenty percent across the board tax cut I keep promising.”
“I have a feeling, however, that Snuffleupagus is a real creature, willed into existence using an enormous amount of our money, by which I mean your money, as, let’s face it I don’t really pay taxes. But isn’t it great – how much I care about you? I’m doing this for all of you!” Romney commented to a series of shadows on the wall, which he later found out were not actual voters.
Asked by the press to elaborate on his recent comments, an aide to the Republican nominee said Romney couldn’t be reached as he was currently learning basic math with an undead creature that identified itself only as the Count.