VATICAN CITY – Catholic Church officials are furious that the canonization of Pope John Paul II has been derailed from its well-planned schedule. It has come to light that sometime in the summer of 2008, agents at the Provo Utah Temple posthumously baptized the former pontiff and claimed him for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The LDS church has famously posthumously baptized-by-proxy Anne Frank, Adolf Hitler, Eva Braun, and Bart Simpson. Church policy typically requires that family permission is given before vicarious baptism of the dead. Records indicated that for Pope John II, the authorization was provided by Jimmy Wojtlya, who claimed to be the Pope’s second cousin, three times removed, whatever that means. When after the ceremony genealogical records revealed that Jimmy was not actually related to the Pope, official Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spokesman Ian Battie stated, “My bad.”
“This has really set back the canonization process. Pope Benedict waived the 5 year waiting period and we’ve just about come up with some miraculous stuff that John Paul did – a parish was found in Iowa where no actual kids were ever molested – but now this?!”, says Vatican spokesman Will Tutchue. “This is unprecedented. We can’t very well make a saint out of someone with the taint of Mormonism on him. We’ve tried prayers, exorcisms, Lysol… We’re not really sure what else to do. Have you read about some of their crazy beliefs? Some guy found some magic plates from angels in a cave… Suuuure! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and eat some stale bread that my friend has turned into Jesus’ actual flesh.”