Romney Unable to Catch Break

"Romney" "flubs" "gaffes" "break" "Free" "Wood" "Post"

Republican nominee Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign has been plagued by constant misfortune in recent weeks.  Political analysts are speculating as to whether the candidate will be able to overcome these incidents to bridge a widening gap in the polls, with Election Day looming.

Romney’s troubles began at a rally last month at a convention hall in Vermont, where the candidate gave a stirring speech about conservative values and then climbed down from the podium, stepping directly into a bucket of mop-water.

He later removed his suit jacket while taking questions from the audience, and it was observed that the fountain pen in his breast pocket had leaked, leaving his dress shirt stained with a large inkblot.  As he left the event in a limousine, Romney reportedly suffered a near-strangulation when the vehicle’s passenger-seat window was accidentally closed on his Hermes tie.

The following weekend Romney paid a visit to the Whistlestop Cafe, a family-owned eatery just outside Montpelier, where a defective salt-shaker caused his order of Eggs Benedict to be buried under a pile of salt.  The burly proprietor of the Whistlestop, Mike Tompkins, noticed the stricken look on the candidate’s face and embraced Romney in what appeared to be a friendly bear-hug; it was later confirmed that he had actually been misguidedly attempting the Heimlich maneuver.  Tompkins later told reporters he is planning to vote for Obama.  As Romney left the Whistlestop, he stepped on a rake lying on the sidewalk, which struck him in the face.

The next evening Romney arrived at a dinner in his honor at a New Hampshire VFW with the price-tag still dangling from the cuff of his tuxedo suit, which it was confirmed had cost more than the VFW chapter’s annual budget.  In the middle of his speech that night, Romney’s tuxedo bib snapped up suddenly and hit him in the face– although campaign staffers claimed that he had been wearing a full dress shirt.  The humiliation continued when the hapless candidate forgot to turn off his lapel microphone before using the men’s room; the subsequent audio was later leaked, so to speak, by the website The Drudge Report.

The next week Romney was holding a constituent’s six month old baby during a meet-and-greet with voters in Ohio when the infant abruptly produced a seltzer bottle and sprayed it in the candidate’s face.

Early yesterday Romney gave a statement to the press defending the state of his troubled campaign, the gravity of which was unfortunately overshadowed when his pants fell down mid-sentence.  Immediately afterwards a stray dog appeared, seizing the candidate’s brightly-patterned boxer shorts in its teeth and growling while Romney clutched his head and hollered comically.

The candidate’s tour the next day of a coconut cream pie factory in Delaware, however, was surprisingly uneventful.

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