Police Dig Up Driveway Looking For Hoffa, Find Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns

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In a surprising development, police in Michigan looking for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa found something quite different. At first it seemed like all the excitement was for nothing as crews found only rock and dirt under the driveway. The excavator was about to be loaded back on the trailer and taken away when a worker noticed a black box buried in a layer of sand.

At first it was thought they might have found Hoffa. The box was small, but large enough to contain some remains. The excitement built when a cutting torch was fired up. When the latch and hinges were cut off and the torch turned off, the tension built to a high and everyone grew silent. A police officer looked dismayed when he opened the box and said to the gathered crowd “it’s just a bunch of paperwork.”

“Wait a minute,” another officer said, “what do we have here?” He took out what looked like several folders and read the information aloud. “Romney tax returns, and several years worth.”

Suddenly, a man burst through the crowd and ran at the box with some sort of incendiary device. Police were able to stop him, but others came with the same intent. Authorities were dumbfounded as to why so many seemingly normal people were committed to destroying what had been discovered. One investigator speculated that they might be some sort of sleeper agent. Allegedly, they all are members of the Mormon church and sell Amway products.

The Romney campaign was hesitant to respond. As of this report, the only statement is a one-sentence brief put out via Twitter. “Mitt Romney has always paid his taxes,” was all it said. Reporters are clamoring for more information but are hitting a wall of silence so far.

An accountant at the scene took a quick look at the returns and offered some insight, saying “Wow. No wonder he didn’t want anyone to see his tax returns.”

 

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