After the ‘news’ was broken that the Democratic Platform did not mention God or meaninglessly claim that Jerusalem is the internationally recognized capital of Israel drew an outcry, the behind-the-scenes wheels began to spin to rectify the imagined wrong before it snowballed into a full-blown hootenanny of biblical proportions.
Some might say to make a big issue out of catering to the religious folk and the End Times dogma that requires Jerusalem as capital of Israel might be an overreaction, but they haven’t been exposed to the wrath of a vengeful God left out of a political party platform in a nation founded on secular government principles before. In order to placate what could have devolved into a free-for-all of those feeling like their personal religious beliefs weren’t sufficiently catered to, more possible God incarnations were added.
The big religions of the world got on the board, except for Islam. An unidentified source at the DNC explained why.
“Looking like you acknowledge the validity of Islam as a religion in America is worse than using your crucifix to unclog your toilet in the minds of those nut bars on the religious right,” the source said.
“In keeping with the theme of giving governmental kudos to religion, we made broad statements of support for beliefs. In addition, we specifically acknowledged deities like Odin, Zeus, a couple dozen of the Hindu big names.”
There was some talk of putting in “may the Force be with you,” but that was voted down in favor of supporters of the giant flying insect from Japanese monster movies, Mothra.
“Some delegates felt that although the Force was powerful in the religion of the Jedi, it was deemed less significant than what Mothra has done over the years to protect Tokyo. Fighting off King Ghidora is no easy task, mind you, and Mothra is able to travel through time, so clearly he is right up there with Jesus,” the source confirmed.
The move did nothing to quell the rising tide of whining criticism from the right. Glenn Beck had to be put on oxygen after going into an apparent trance wherein he couldn’t stop saying “I told you they were godless heathens” over and over. An unexpected dilemma came from the ranks of Japanese movie monsters.
King Ghidora, with support from Batra, Gigan, and MechaGodzilla, announced plans to converge on Charlotte, N.C. and destroy the convention center. Godzilla promised to seek out the help of others from Monster Island and defend Charlotte with Mothra.