A young boy in the United Kingdom thought he stumbled on a potential small fortune when he found two chunks of ambergris on a beach. The eight-year-old boy was of course incredibly excited and couldn’t wait to tell his family. His euphoria grew when he learned how valuable the substance is.
Being a young boy, he was even more fascinated when he found out where ambergris comes from. The rare compound exists in the digestive system of whales and is either excreted out in fecal matter or thrown up in vomit. Unfortunately for the boy, this batch of ambergris was already spoken for.
According to a Rush Limbaugh staffer who chooses to remain anonymous, what the boy found was intended to be used as this month’s payroll for people working in Limbaugh’s office. The female staffer said she routinely has to travel to beaches to round up the method of payment Rush has chosen.
“I have to follow that fat bastard around and wait until he craps and hope I don’t have to go through too much shit to get everyone paid,” the staffer said. “It’s a hell of a way to cover payroll, but everyone at the EIB network is counting on me every month. Like it or not, I have to do what I have to do.”
Limbaugh himself refused to comment. The staffer said she has been working on techniques meant to cause Limbaugh to throw up when cued in an effort to streamline the process.
“If I can get El Porko to barf when I need him to, I can avoid a lot of crap,” she said. “I can make him a healthy smoothie made from carrot juice and cantaloupe. His Royal Portliness is so used to eating 4-pound hamburgers that his system can’t handle anything healthy. He jumps in the water for his swim around and monthly bathing and there ya go. The only problem is getting him to drink the smoothies. I’ve been experimenting with putting laxatives in with his Oxycontin.”
She was reportedly just a hundred yards or so down the beach when the boy found the ambergris. At first, the child would only say “finders, keepers,” but when the staffer told him what she had to go through each month to get her fellow employees paid he began to cry.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it,” He cried.
The staffer felt bad enough that she took the boy and his family out for dinner and bought him a toy truck.