Papa John’s CEO says costs will rise $.04 cents a pizza to cover Mitt Romney’s hair

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John Schnatter, CEO and founder of Papa John’s Pizza, was taken aback by all the uproar over his announcement that providing health care to some employees in order to comply with portions of President Obama’s health reform. According to Schnatter, he could be forced to tack an additional $.14 cents on to the cost of a large pizza. He fought back by formulating a plan that would mean a more modest increase.

Instead of throwing away $.14 cents to provide basic health care insurance to his employees who might desperately need it, Schnatter realizes that the lazy uninsured moochers will just go to the emergency room when they are really, really sick.

“Why should I pay, um…I mean why should I charge my customers such a large sum so a few thousand single mothers and working poor can go to the doctor at the drop of a hat? Is that the American way? If you can’t afford your own health insurance you need to get a second job,” the pizza mogul said.

Schnatter is a big-time Romney supporter and realizes that if his man gets to the White House, he can expect great things. These are hard times for multi-millionaires. There have even been stories of a few of the ultra-rich having to cut back, but they seem too outlandish to be true. Still, “Papa John” knows he has to look out for his shareholders. To that end, Schnatter has decided to sponsor Mitt Romney’s hair. That look doesn’t come cheap. Just the product alone runs more than most workers make in a lifetime.

The expectation of return from investing in Romney’s image far outweighs what can be gained by doing the right thing by employees, according to statement Schnatter made to his biggest shareholders. It was meant to be inside information, but this reporter was able to obtain a copy.

“When I agreed to take on the heavy yoke of responsibility that comes with making sure our candidate always has perfect hair, I recognized the huge upside for the company,” the statement said. “The Romney campaign has advised me that there is no way they can win in November without depending on image over substance – kind of like our pizza.”

To those who might find the statement callous or lacking in empathy for the uninsured, it went on to offer an explanation.

“The additional small cost of $.04 per large pizza can be passed on to the customers in a price increase of a dime per unit, meaning we make more money while assuring the Romney camp that we have their back. That could prove invaluable down the line. Say we need regulations lessened so that we can use that kangaroo pepperoni we’ve been looking into. Or perhaps we need to move our veg prep operations overseas. We will have our man on the inside looking out for us, and we will look after his hair.”

 

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