Scientist finds gene that prevents Republicans from saying ‘Democratic’ when talking about Democrats

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Observers have been previously unable to understand the phenomenon keeping Republicans from being able to say the word “Democratic” when describing the opposition party.

Their insistence on saying things like “the Democrat Party” and “Democrat Senator” were initially thought to be snide little barbs meant to demean the Democratic Party in some sort of not-really-funny way.

Alas, science has come to the defense of grammar-challenged conservatives everywhere. Dr. Rodney P. Malprick of the National Institutes of Health has reportedly identified the gene responsible for the ability to master the entire word “Democratic” and use it in a sentence.

“At first, we thought the inability of some people to say the complete word was a result of the amphibian brain not being able to successfully put four syllables together,” Dr. Malprick said.

“Now that we realize it comes from a genetic deficiency, we understand that these people deserve our sympathy. Through no fault of their own, many conservatives make themselves sound like petty and petulant third graders. We must conduct research that can help them overcome this painful condition,” he added.

It’s hoped that further research can indeed lead to a future wherein Republicans happily call the opposition by the proper name and Democratic Senators are identified as such. Dr. Malprick is planning to develop a powder that can be dissolved in warm milk that will reverse the imbalance and restore phonetic correctness.

 

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