After disclosing that he ran a marathon in under three minutes with a time that would have won him the Olympic gold medal in the 1908 London Games, Wisconsin Congressman and Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan let it slip that he pitched for the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers and helped them get to the World Series.
“I don’t like to make a big deal out of it. I’m a soft-spoken guy who doesn’t like the spotlight,” Ryan said. “But once the liberal media started questioning my marathon time, I wanted to let people know I have always been a superb athletic specimen.”
According to Ryan, he stopped by a training field where the Milwaukee Brewers were practicing back in 1982 and accurately threw a baseball from the stands over the plate for a strike. Amazed by his throwing prowess, the coaches invited him down to the field for a tryout. He threw a fastball at 101 miles per hour and earned himself a spot in the bullpen.
“I was younger than the rest of the guys, you know, I was only 12 at the time, but, you know, I was big for my age, and I had facial hair. Some of the guys kidded me and called me an over-hyped flash in the pan with big ears, but I knew they really dug me,” Ryan added.
“The time came when we really needed a win. I had only pitched four innings the night before and struck out 10, so coach felt like I could start if I rested my arm overnight. Luckily for me, I don’t throw with my ‘me time’ arm, if you know what I mean. I was a curious young man at the time, you might say. I pitched a no-hitter, but the rest of the team let me down a little and we lost 3-2. I’m not trying to play the blame game, but they were jealous of my success.”
Ryan was at a loss when asked how he could pitch a no-hitter in a 3-2 game, simply saying “don’t be a hater.” Mitt Romney’s V.P. pick went on to explain why he left baseball with such a promising career. He also touched on why he thinks the Brewers ultimately lost the 1982 World Series to Saint Louis.
“We were on a bus going down to Chicago for a game when I found a book under the seat. The pages were worn and torn, but I was able to get through the whole thing in about 45 minutes. I quit baseball the next morning. Ayn Rand showed me the light and I began down the road to becoming the nation’s foremost expert on budgetary matters.”
When asked if he felt guilty about leaving the team late in the season, Ryan said “I got them to the World Series, it’s not my fault they couldn’t close the deal.”