Paul Ryan Gives Entire Interview Without Making a Single Factual Statement

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Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has earned the distinction of being the first political candidate to manage to avoid making any statements based in actual fact during a lengthy, televised interview.

Speaking to CNN’s Piers Morgan, Ryan began by describing the impact that our growing national debt is having on the American people.

“Since Obama took office, over five million Americans have died in the last year due to debt,” he said.  “The debt crisis is very real, and it is very deadly.”

When asked where he got those shocking figures from, Ryan quickly diverted the topic.

“We’ll get to that in a moment, but what I’d really like to talk about, Piers, whether you’ve ever seen the look of joy on the face of an elderly person who has been told that they are being freed from the tyranny of Medicare?” he asked.

“So many elderly Americans I’ve spoken with on the campaign trail are sick and tired of having access to comprehensive, affordable healthcare coverage,” he said.  “They absolutely hate it– hate going to doctors, hate taking medicine.  Why are we doing them this disservice when the money being spent to care for our aging population could be much better spent researching new breakthroughs in energy efficiency?”

When Morgan pressed for details on Ryan’s plan for energy efficiency, he was told that scientists have been working to harness the power of Kryptonite so that it can be used in place of nuclear energy.

“Kryptonite is a safe, sustainable resource– but it’s one that the Obama administration has been hiding from the American people for years.  As soon as Mitt Romney and I enter office, one of the first things we’ll do is fund Kryptonite research and development in facilities across this great nation.”

Asked to describe how a Romney presidency would compare with an Obama presidency, Ryan’s expression became grave.

“The fact is,” he said, “if Barack Obama is elected to a second term, the citizens of Middle Earth will be in great danger.  Sauron’s rise to power will be practically guaranteed– and you better believe the Democrat Party is going to do everything they can to help the Dark Lord rise again.”

Toward the end of the interview, Ryan also told Piers Morgan that he was born and raised in Tampa, Florida, that he had invented the mouse pad, and that he and Mitt Romney competed together in the 2008 Beijing Olympics as a synchronized high dive team.

When later questioned by reporters about the veracity of his claims throughout the highly controversial interview, Paul Ryan told them that he had never actually been in the studio with Piers Morgan.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.  That exchange never happened,” he said pleasantly.  “You must have all dreamed it.  Wake up, guys!”

 

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