Romney Pledges to Declare War on Satan

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Just when people started to think that the 2012 election can’t get any more intriguing, it just did. On August 25, 2012 Mr. Romney made a surprise campaign stop in Salt Lake City, Utah. He stood in front of “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints” and addressed thousands of Mormons about his plans if he was elected President. Mr. Romney pledged, if elected President he would declare war against Satan. Mr. Romney stated that Satan has become a growing concern for the Republican Party. It became a concern for the GOP ever since women like Sandra Fluke demanded to have access to birth control pills. Mitt Romney stated “America has lost her principles. We idolize a lesbian with bad hair such as Ellen DeGeneres but won’t give the starting quarterback position to a Christian man named Tim Tebow.”

He touted that on day one of his presidency he will urge congress to pass a trillion-dollar defense bill that he will sign and officially declare war on Satan. “I will not sit back and let Satan reap his red seeds into this nation. Satan is the reason why America is in such distress. President Obama continues to pass legislations which favors Satan’s evil plan.” When asked by ABC news reporter Jake Tapper on how Presidential candidate Romney found the evidence to go to war against Satan, he replied “I found a holy inscription on my tax returns. Same as Joseph Smith and his golden tablets, my tax returns gave me a holy message sent from God that I should wage war against the devil.” Following that statement, Romney was asked if he will release his tax returns to that the American people may be able to see this sacred message to which he replied “No”. Mr. Romney stated that due to the fact the holy inscription was written on his tax returns, it is meant for his eyes only.

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