Just days before the Republican Convention gets underway in Tampa, Vice Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan has unexpectedly dropped out of the race.
“It’s been a tough week for this campaign,” Ryan told a shocked crowd during an impromptu press conference in Iowa City where he made the announcement. “My deeply-held views on abortion and the rights of Zygote-Americans have come into question. This morning a button came off my favorite blue oxford shirt just as I was putting it on. And finally, I’ve learned that a Category 1 hurricane is expected to hit Tampa right in the middle of the upcoming Republican National Convention. That last sign in particular is kind of hard to ignore.”
Ryan paused to clear his throat before he continued, his voice heavy with emotion.
“Those of you who know me well are aware that I am a firm believer in the Law of Nature,” he said. “Nature does nothing by accident. Whether it’s an oil spill in the gulf of Mexico to reduce the pelican population, or an earthquake in DC to express disapproval of the gay lifestyle, Nature’s edicts are as clear as they are implacable.
“Therefore,” Ryan concluded, “in acknowledgement of the will of Nature, as displayed by the enormous storm barreling down on the soon-to-be hub of the Republican Party, along with various other signals I have received, I hereby relinquish my position as Romney’s Vice Presidential nominee. ”
The news came as a shock to many supporters, but others claimed they were not surprised.
“Paul Ryan has always held a strong belief in the laws of God and Nature,” said Tea Party activist Sean Mulvey. “Like how one time he said the sea-levels are rising because of rap music, and also that pregnancy from rape is God’s way of helping to increase the number of traditional families.”
Ryan later admitted to reporters that he was also stepping down because, “Over the last few weeks a tiny rain-cloud has been following me around and hailing on me constantly. Also dead trees keep falling on my car, no matter where I park it. I mean, that’s happened like five separate times. And the other day I was in the park and a squirrel tried to stab me.”
He shrugged resignedly. “It’s been kind of hard to ignore all those signs. Nature has a way of getting Her point across. She obviously does not want me anywhere near the White House.”