NEW YORK, NY – Sources inside Marvel Entertainment headquarters confirmed that the titanic comic book publisher is joining in the controversy surrounding republican Representative Todd Akin this week after Akin, now famously, claimed that women’s bodies can reject an unwanted pregnancy if a rape is illegitimate.
“What he said was completely f*cking insane, but then we thought, ‘Hey, this guy is pretty creative,’” said Axel Alonso, editor-in-chief of Marvel, “It sounds like a character that could give herself abortions under her own free will would make an interesting addition to our roster of superheroes.” It wasn’t long before Alonso contacted Akin to inquire if he had any interest in joining Marvel’s creative team of writers.
At a press conference on Tuesday, Marvel and Akin debuted “The Dilator,” a young, female mutant who has the power to give herself abortions. “We’re very excited about this,” said Representative Akin, who was at the press conference. “She has a complicated back-story, featuring betrayal and heartache. Her human alias will be Rosamund V. Wade. A little nod to the folks who gave us the inspiration,” chuckled Akin.
“Imagine the adventures,” EIC Alonso continued, “Cyclops is fighting the Hellfire Club, then all of a sudden – boom! Abortion. Where did it come from? How will it affect the relationships between the other X-Men? You’re going to have to keep reading to find out. And the best part? Wolverine will no longer be the go-to member of the X-Men for abortion storylines.”
When asked if there were any other plans by Marvel to feature additional Akin-created superheroes Alonso responded, “This is only the beginning. It turns out this guy is so ass-backwards in his thinking, he’s just a mess of great fantasy ideas.”
“When I was in the Navy I was always told that Asian woman had sideways vaginas,” a boyish Akin responded, “So I think there might be something there. Also, it turns out that black people can see at night. Maybe there’s a character who can see super far who just so happens to be black?”
Fans anxiously awaiting the debut of “The Dilator” can see her in November’s issue of Uncanny X-Men.
