Obama Offers to Make Election More ‘Sporting’

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In a rare showing of bi-partisan support and what some might regard as humanitarianism, President Obama has announced plans to briefly hinder his own campaign in order to make the presidential race into “a little more of a race.”

“I’m just saying,” he told followers during a weekend rally in Ohio.  “Romney’s recent overseas trip was a public relations disaster, and then he made the grievous mistake of saddling himself with that nut job Paul Ryan for VP.  And now even top Republicans are hammering him on releasing his tax returns.  I can’t be the only one who’s starting to kind of feel bad for the guy.”

The president told the crowd that while he still plans to win November’s election “by a landslide” he’s concerned that with the low approval rating his opponent has with less than three months to go, that the returns on election day are going to be “kind of a bloodbath, honestly.”

“And I don’t want that,” he added.  “Frankly, it would be embarrassing for both of us.  So I’m thinking during my next press conference I’ll say that small business owners have bad breath.  Or maybe I’ll slip in a quote from the Qu’uran.  Either that, or during my next appearance with Biden I’ll just hand him a wine cooler and a microphone and let him freestyle it.  It’ll be a blip on the radar as far as our numbers go—but that should be just enough to help Romney save a little face.  You know, for the sake of his kids.”

Romney’s advisers have scoffed at the suggestion that Obama take pity on the GOP frontrunner’s struggling presidential campaign, stating that they don’t need his help.  Vice Presidential pick Paul Ryan released a statement in support of this position which noted that “charity is not something that this party believes in.”

However, political analyst Robert Davis agrees that at this point, it would be the decent thing to do.

“Romney’s having a tough time,” he said during a recent appearance on MSNBC.  “Don’t forget, he was duking it out with Gingrich and Santorum only a few months back.  Plus his religion is unpalatable to the general population and he’s becoming widely known for wearing Mom jeans. We all kind of feel like Obama should throw him a bone here.”



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