Like they say, “if you can’t beat em, join em…” There’s a new trend that we recently heard about where the “queers” are “straightening up”.
Many frustrated homosexuals have decided to give up on their plans to have a “gay marriage” and instead have focused on having a traditional, biblical marriage.
We interviewed Airick Andrews, a formerly gay man from San Francisco that explained after repeatedly being told that he was a sinner who was going to hell, decided to take the criticism to heart. He broke open the Bible to see what all the fuss was about and became “enlightened”.
Amazed at what he read concerning Biblical marriage, he decided right then to repent and follow God’s law. Now, it wasn’t that easy, the conversion was a little tricky so he watched a few Marcus Bachman training tapes to help with the transition.
Then he went out and found him a nice, strong subservient woman of child-bearing age and paid the father the required 20 goat dowry. She now does all his cooking, cleaning, ironing, laundry, as well as fulfilling sexual obligations. And, according to biblical law, he was able to add two more wives for only 10 goats a piece, as well as three concubines. “I got them for an amazing deal! All I had to do was rape and impregnate a virgin, then pay the father 50 shekels”.
He exclaims, “I can’t believe how awesome this traditional marriage actually is. If I had known this I would have never even thought of marrying a dude. No wonder all those people were pissed at the idea of that ever-changing.
I couldn’t even get my Ex-boyfriend Larry off the couch to make me a smoothie, much less bleach my tighty whities. These women do everything for me while I lay around in my superwhite, pressed briefs watching the 700 club, eating Chick-Fil-A and scratching myself. I send one wife out each day to do my old job at work and still collect a paycheck.”
Airick continues, “I must say that, although the sex isn’t as exciting, there are more possibilities. I have found that fellatio and sodomy are about the same (although my wives don’t share Larry’s enthusiasm for either) having that 3rd option available sure makes things interesting. Now the whole cunnilingus thing has been quite a challenge; my goodness, making women happy is a whole new level of complexity that I haven’t even begun to fathom. I have ordered a new book that will help me find that magical ‘G spot’ I have heard so much about.”
Not surprisingly, the general public’s response from this movement has been as mixed as it is impassioned. Evangelical men are in an uproar after finding that there’s a shortage of attractive women on the market. They failed to anticipate when demanding all the gays “straighten up” that a bunch of handsome, well-groomed men who can dance might create a serious imbalance in their field of competition.
So, in response, Evangelicals offered a compromise deal asking the queers to “… just go back to the way things were before. Ya’ll can have your gay marriage, just give us back our damn women!”
Most folks we interviewed were just glad that these people found love and happiness. How can anyone complain when they are following what the Bible teaches?