GOP: Tax Cuts For Wealthy Benefit Schools

Conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation released a study this week which they claim shows that cutting taxes on the wealthy is an effective strategy for improving our educational system.

“The minute I finished up my taxes and realized how much money I had saved, I went out and bought a hundred #2 pencils and personally distributed them to students at a local public school,” said millionaire investment banker George Bland.

“Well, I mean, I had my staff distribute them,” he amended.  “And buy them.  Of course, I then bought myself a zoo as a reward for providing those pencils,” he added.

“Possibly I should have bought those kids lunch instead,” Bland continued, “since I’m pretty sure a bunch of government programs that feed underprivileged children have been cut to balance the budget.  Oh well, maybe next year.”  Bland then turned back to the intimate concert Rihanna was giving for him and three VIP guests on board his private yacht.

Although supporters of the economic theory known as ‘supply-side economics’ claim that cutting taxes for the rich will spur economic growth and job-creation which will benefit the entire population, the validity of this theory has been questioned in recent decades.  Thus the results of this study were a relief to adherents, who were quick to point out the many ways in which their tax savings have positively impacted the educational system.

“This summer a portion of my record profits went toward hiring a couple of middle school teachers to mow my grounds,”  said CEO Robert Hamford.  “I’m quite happy to support the supplementary work they have to do in order to afford to be teachers during the year.  They don’t do as good a job as my normal lawn guys, but we all have to make sacrifices, right?”

Hamford added that the savings he has seen thanks to the Bush tax cut extension helped spur his decision.  “It makes me feel good to know that I’m giving back,” he said, polishing his monocle with a thousand-dollar bill.

By contrast, investor Arnold Tate noted that he believes he is helping our nation’s children the most by not helping them.

“If you give children food, clothes, and a decent education,” he said, “how can they possibly learn to make their own way in the world?  How will they ever become self-starters?”

Tate added that by not giving children every advantage that his parents gave him, he feels that he is doing them a great service.  “The children who manage to survive without having their basic needs met at a young age will thank me someday,” he said, helping himself to foie gras from a tray balanced on the back of a unicorn wearing a tuxedo.

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