Tea Party Honors “Most Self-Made Man in America”

Arkansas-area small business owner Ryan Johnson is being lauded by conservatives as a model of American self-reliance.

“Ryan Johnson sets the standard for hardworking American entrepreneurs,” read a statement released by the Tea Party Express.  “He built his business himself, without any interference or assistance from the government, or from any other human being, living or dead.  He deserves our admiration and respect.”

Johnson’s history of independence began with his home-birth outside Little Rock in 1981, when as an infant he delivered himself without medical assistance.

Johnson then taught himself to read and write as a child by studying books he had written, and by watching television programs he wrote, directed, and starred in, filmed using video equipment he also designed and built.

To this day he eats only wild game he has hunted himself, and fashions his own clothes out of dirt and discarded candy wrappers.

At the age of thirteen, Johnson singlehandedly performed emergency surgery to remove his own appendix.  Two years later, he gave himself braces to correct a pronounced overbite, which he discovered after examining his reflection for the first time in a mirror he had also made.

When he was sixteen, Ryan Johnson built a prom date out of sticks and string, named her Lisa, and brought her to a self-hosted prom at which they were the sole attendees.  They danced to songs Johnson had written and recorded.  The theme of the evening was “Magic Moments”.

As an enterprising young adult, Ryan Johnson invented the car, then designed and built a prototype using parts he smelted from iron ore he had mined with his bare hands.  The resulting vehicle was too heavy to move, so Johnson then walked to the community of Gibson, AR, on a road he created, paving it by hand as he went.

There, on an apparently abandoned plot of land, using timber from trees he planted himself, Ryan Johnson built a highly successful cupcake shop from the ground up.

“I didn’t know that ‘cupcakes’ were actually something that already existed, since I only eat wild game,” he told reporters during the opening week of his highly successful business.

Johnson is the sole owner and operator of Johnson’s Non-Wild-Gamecakes, which is open daily from 7am to 9pm.  Johnson works each 14-hour shift alone and then spends most of the night harvesting wheat and grinding it by hand into flour.  He bakes his creations in handmade tins over a fire he started by rubbing two sticks together.

The strenuous effort of running his own built-from-scratch business, though it has earned him the admiration of many conservatives, appears to have puzzled Johnson.

“When people eat my non-wild-gamecakes, they insist on giving me something called ‘money’ in something called ‘an exchange’,” he said.  “I’m not sure what to do with all this ‘money’, since I have no use for it.  In fact, I’m not sure why I’m even running a business at all, because I am completely self-reliant and don’t need a single thing from anyone.”

The Tea Party has planned a ceremony this fall to honor “Ryan Johnson:  The Most Self-Made Man in America”.  Representatives have acknowledged that Johnson, lacking close family or friends (he and Lisa broke up shortly after prom), is expected to dine alone at the ten-seat banquet table reserved for the guest of honor.

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