Romney makes a stop in Uganda to aid Ebola victims, Gives speech on Privatized Healthcare

On his way home from his rather gaffe-filled trip to Israel, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney had a brief layover in Uganda where he attempted to aid the victims of the recent Ebola outbreak with an inspirational speech on the benefits of privatized healthcare.

The highly infectious Ebola virus has killed 14 people in western Uganda this month and has left the WHO (World Health Organization) wondering when a conservative leader would step in to stop the outbreak from interfering with the terms of a ‘pre-existing condition.’ Although there is no cure for Ebola, supportive care including oxygen therapy, intravenous fluids, antibiotics and fever reduction medications can significantly help a patient survive the infection. Romney assured the victims that although these therapies should be considered an expense for their Health Savings Account, he’ll gladly offer them free guidance towards an appropriate financial institution to set up an account should they fall victim to Ebola again.

“Corporations are people too, and because they are people, they can also be considered victims of hemorrhagic fever” said Romney “The only way to completely eradicate this virus is to ensure the survival of big business and private insurance organizations.”

Romney’s concluding remarks were almost verbatim of his instructions to the homosexual community, when he mirrored the words of Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni and urged citizens to “Avoid kissing and having sex.” These are the most common ways the deadly virus is spread, although it can be transmitted by any direct contact with an infected person or their bodily fluids.

Although his original intent was to speak to victims in their native language of Swahili, he ended up giving his entire speech in English. Unfortunately, translators could not find the appropriate interpretation for “Only the rich will survive.”

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