The First Ever National Tea Party Spelling Bee Yields No Winners

In an effort to counter the wide-spread consensus that members of their party are under-educated and have a proclivity to misspell their political signs, the Tea Party has decided to launch a counter offensive. They have long-held the position that education begins in the home, believing the idea of paying teachers who are required to have a Master’s Degree at minimum in most states in order to teach is a waste of tax payer’s money since parents can teach their children with the same or better results. They feel they don’t need “government schools” teaching their children science and math. The Tea Party insists it would be best if  their children were taught by God-fearing, Bible believing parents and not by so-called “Humanist intellectuals” and “lesbian left-wing feminists.”

The words for the spelling bee were provided by the National Spelling Bee Association in the interest of transparency and fairness. The judges had no previous knowledge of the words being used and all the contestants were home-schooled children from around the nation. There were 196 children from 49 states present with the exception of Hawaii as its application was not accepted due to undisclosed technical reasons. The competition lasted only about an hour with every contestant misspelling each word presented and/or completely unable to even start. The final contestant was Jenny Lomax of Columbia, South Carolina. The word presented to her was “fo’c’s’le”, she asked that it be used in a sentence. The judge read the sentence, “The ship’s crew were quartered in the fo’c’s’le on the bow of the ship.” Jenny took a deep breath and spelled fo’c’s’le’, F-O-C-S-L-E, fo’c’s’le’. The judge said,”Jenny I’m very sorry, but you missed three of the word’s apostrophes.” Jenny replied,”apostrophes?….Oh, I know what that is, A-P-O-S-T-L-E-S…..that’s in the Bible, right?”

Unfortunately for the Tea Party the event received a lot of attention from the media with the biggest sponsor being Fox News, although they declined to air the footage citing that it was not of national interest. Consequentially there will not be a second annual spelling bee held next year, but there’s interest in hosting a science fair. As of now there is no date set nor sponsors that have come forth to promote the proposed event.

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