Congress Faces Pressure to Stop Taking Government Handouts

A growing number of Americans have come forward to demand that members of Congress stop accepting government handouts.

“Congressmen sit there doing nothing, week after week, just waiting for their government checks to come in,” said Lance Martin, the head of an organization that has recently begun protesting against what he calls ‘Congressional Welfare Kings’.

“If members of Congress were actually passing laws and working to make things better for Americans, I might say that that they were earning their government assistance—or, at least some of it,” Martin continued.  “But the way things currently stand, we feel strongly that our lazy, shiftless lawmakers need to start pulling their weight and actually working for a living.”

Nearly all members of Congress depend on some form of government assistance, including skyrocketing wages, comprehensive health benefits, paid holidays and vacations, massive retirement packages, and various other perks which the government provides virtually free of charge—whether or not representatives are actively working or even seeking to work.

Protestors argue that many of these same representatives are only too happy to accept government handouts throughout their entire careers in office, only to turn around and advocate for deep cuts to Federal programs such as those which provide food stamps to families with children, veterans, and the disabled.

“Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions has been on the dole since he was first elected in 1997,” said activist Shelley Fettler.  “And yet he is against providing food stamps to needy families during a recession on the grounds that it is a ‘moral issue’ which ‘increases dependence’?  What, because impoverished children are too dependent on food?”  Fettler shook her head.  “Who’s really dependent here, Jeff?  Let’s get real.”

The protestors are being taken seriously by Congress, with many lawmakers arguing vehemently that they are in fact working hard for their government aid.

“How can you say I’m not earning my keep?” said Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, interviewed by a reporter while vacationing at his summer home in Scottsdale.  “Last week I attended a fundraiser dinner that was three hours long.  Tomorrow I’m getting a haircut, and if all goes well, this week I’ll actually be in Washington for a largely symbolic vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

Further comment from House members was difficult to obtain, since much of Congress was admittedly on vacation.

“July is a really slow month around here,” said one Congressional page, found wandering around the largely empty House of Representatives.  “Most members of Congress prefer to spend the summer months on their boats or at their vacation homes and ranches.  They’d rather not be cooped up in a stuffy building when it’s so nice out.”  He added, “I totally understand, though.  I mean, why work if you don’t have to, right?”

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