One brave Republican has exposed a horrific threat to our nation’s safety- kindergartners. New Hampshire Republican lawmaker Bob Kingsbury (R-Laconia) has been under fire for the conclusions he has drawn from an intensive 16-year study. According to Kingsbury, the “research he has conducted since 1996 shows a connection between the state’s kindergarten program and higher crime rates, attributing it to children being taken away from their mothers too soon…. In general, the towns with a kindergarten have 400 percent more crime than other towns in the same county. In every county the towns and cities with kindergarten had more crime.” At first I was dumbfounded by these statements and when I visited Middleton Kindergarten in Maryville, New Hampshire, I was only expecting to get some quotes for an article about another crazy Republican. However, what I discovered was truly shocking. Representative Kingsbury was right. Kindergarteners are being brainwashed to become future criminals.
After walking in to Mrs. Peabody’s classroom, I was immediately struck by a barrage of colors shooting off of every wall. Mrs. Peabody had placed the kindergartners’ “artwork” on the walls for all to enjoy. There was no order to the placement and apparently no rules for their content as I saw numerous pictures of animals that do no exist in the real world. Even more disturbing was the way that the children repeatedly failed to stay within the lines in their coloring. I asked Mrs. Peabody about this phenomenon and she replied “Well, the kids do their best and I let each of them create things that express their individuality and creativity.” This subversive way of teaching will likely lead to non-conformists who feel they have the right to metaphorically color outside the lines in adulthood. This will undoubtedly include criminal behavior.
As I watched America’s youth I noticed that they were finger painting with what I believe were gang colors. Had that been the worse thing I witnessed, I may have let it go, however the day just got scarier from there. Five year olds sharpening their crayons into objects that looked more like prison shivs than coloring tools, games where the winner or hider is able to evade the “seekers” for the longest amount of time and “reading time” books about cats in hats who convinces children to commit various forms of disobedience while their mother is away. This was all done by nap time! I hurried out of the school as they started to a song about babies falling out of trees. Gang colors, weapons, training to evade the police, learning to break rules and get away with it and singing about falling babies to help put them to sleep! Perhaps Kingsley is not just another crazy Republican.
Many people will likely scoff at Representative Kingsley’s findings, but don’t be fooled by their adorable faces and the seemingly harmless classroom activities. Kindergarten is a training ground for the criminal underworld. If it is this bad in kindergarten, I shudder to think what’s happening in our nation’s pre-schools.
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Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself or follow him on Facebook.
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