The Romney Olympics: Celebrating the Pomp and Majesty of the Games

"Romney" "Olympics" "family"

In a tradition as old as the Olympic games themselves, the Romney clan partakes in their own version of the distinguished and resplendent games on their $8M lakefront compound in New Hampshire. These familial games are not to be matched by any other, for they exhibit the glorious rituals of a time lost in American culture. Lost to most because they do not have the time, nor the money and energy after working 80 hour weeks to merely put food on the table.

The games begin in splendid fashion with the lighting of several $100 bills to symbolize the grandeur of having it to waste. After the opening ceremony, the local townsfolk are brought in to marvel at the Romney estate and pomposity of the occasion, surveying the brilliance of all the Romneys and what they bring to the complexity of human form. They are then told to pay a fee of $135 for the ability to attend at all, then asked to leave, as well as not leave any rubbish on the well-manicured greens.

The following day as events began, the Romneys’ were seen warming up in preparation of the days affairs. The groundskeepers were busy hosing out a number of dog crates to be used later in the “Vacation Trip Contest” where family members are timed on how fast they are able to hoist, secure, and place a canine into the dog crate on top of several borrowed station wagons.

At first the events didn’t seem fair because they seemed to host an unfair advantage for the patriarch of the family, Mitt Romney. Events such as, “Vacation Trip Contest,” “Putting money in a bottle and sending it out to sea,” “Firing the help only rehire them at a cheaper rate,” “Cutting the weakest person’s hair,” “Removing safety nets under the dock workers feet as they clean the boats,” etc. However, as the day went on and they events seemed to require actual manual labor, Mitt didn’t seem to do quite as well. One event required family members to stay on one side of the yard for as long as they could, but Mitt couldn’t keep his balance and continued to flop onto the other side. Another event took place in the family garden where the whole family was judged on how well they could water the plants. Mitt continuously watered only the top leaf of every plant. He didn’t seem to quite understand why his plants were dying and why his method of gardening didn’t seem to work at all.

Events continued throughout the weekend, and Mitt kept placing $10,000 bets on himself to win as he rigged them the best he could. In the end however, each Romney took home their fair share of glory in each individual event, while leaving the cleaning crew to tidy up the aftermath, which of course Mitt Romney blamed for creating the mess in the first place.

Next years games are rumored to hold even more splendor depending on the outcome of a presidential victory or defeat.

 

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