This week the House approved a measure to allocate additional troops to fight the war on women.
The troops are expected to be deployed in areas of particular volatility within the borders of the United States, particularly those states that are currently in the process of passing legislation restricting abortion, which has reportedly sparked anger among female citizens.
Incensed by relentless budget cutbacks being made to Planned Parenthood across the country, women have also been holding vigorous demonstrations in city centers in recent weeks. Lawmakers hope that the increased military presence will help male citizens to feel safe and in rightfully in control again.
Troops will also be sent to Washington DC, where they are expected to quash rebellion in the ranks of female representatives, some of whom have become, in the words of Senator John Kyl of Arizona, “mighty uppity, in recent months.” Kyl noted that many female legislators appear to be under the impression that their representation in Congress was equal to that of men.
“They really need to get the message that this is not the case,” he told reporters. “I’m just saying, there’s a reason they get paid less. That’s not an accident.”
Republican Speaker John Boehner noted that while he strongly supported the authorization to add additional troops, he felt the legislation did not go far enough.
“This surge was long overdue,” he said during a press conference early this week. “But we are concerned that many women won’t take the hint just from an increased presence of aggressive armed forces. They need to understand definitively that this sort of insurrection is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.”
Boehner added that if this current period of female unrest continues, “swift and decisive action,” would be taken by the United States government. The speaker refused to comment when asked for details, although he did confirm, when pressed, that “every option is on the table.”