Tallahassee (FWP) June 5 – A memo leaked by a source inside of Florida Governor Rick Scott’s office details how the Florida State Republican Party plans to use the fear of zombies to scare people in selected areas of the state into staying home on election day. Florida is considered a critical state by both presidential campaigns. A lowered turnout of even a few percentage points in several key legislative districts could hamper President Obama’s chance of winning this critical swing state.
The memo, entitled “The Zombie Vote-pocalypse” describes how the Florida Republican Party plans to use the state’s emergency response system to alert people of fictitious zombie sightings. The sightings will be exclusively in neighborhoods which historically vote in high percentages for Democratic candidates. The bogus alerts will start on the Sunday before the election with sporadic sightings of zombies roaming these neighborhoods being reported by the Florida Division of Emergency Management. Florida Congressman Allen West and former State Attorney General Kathleen Harris have both volunteered to wander these neighborhoods in full zombie attire and make-up. On Monday the number of reported sightings will increase and the state will release video from the television show The Walking Dead which they will claim to be scenes actual of Zombie attacks. The Governor will then declare an official State of Emergency and call in the National Guard. By Monday evening he will announce that the zombie attacks have been successfully confined to the targeted neighborhoods. People living in these areas will be warned to stay in their homes. By Election Day the state believes they can have the local media reporting full-time on the carnage caused by zombies. In news conferences the Governor will assure people living outside of the affected neighborhoods that it completely safe for them to leave their homes.
By 8:00 pm the sightings will have ended and the Governor will issue a statement in which he declares victory over the “Zombie Menace”. He will assure people in the affected areas that they can now safely leave their homes and express his hope that their daily lives were not unduly affected by the emergency. The Governor’s plans predict that they can reduce turnout by over 40% making it virtually impossible for President Obama to win the state of Florida.
Attention Free Wood Post Readers:
What will be on your playlist for the Zombie Vote-pocalypse?
To start things off we offer Zombie by The Cranberries
Please use the Comments section below to add your own submissions
Final results will be published later
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Brent Youngren has written for Free Wood Post since it began. He continues to be amazed at the general gullibility of many Americans. He has made it his mission to help create a more cynical nation. A complete list of his articles (along with a few photos of his kids) can be seen at Blog of Brent. You can also follow him on Twitter @SalParadise1000 to get updates on any new articles.