Opponents of Gay Marriage Are Mainly Jealous of Gay Couples

While most opponents of gay marriage explain their objections by quoting biblical passages and arguing for the sanctity of traditional marriage, several high-ranking members of the conservative Christian group American Family Association have acknowledged that they mostly just can’t stand seeing how happy gay couples always look.

“Whenever I see news footage of same-sex couples holding hands and gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes as they fight for the right to marry, it just makes me sick,” said AFA spokesman Rich Gunderson during a recent interview.  “I feel as though they have achieved the kind of enduring happiness that I’ve always dreamed of, and they are just rubbing it right in my face.”

Anne Gunderson, his wife of twenty-eight years, agreed.  “These couples have so much going for them already— lasting devotion, obvious chemistry, and profound happiness—now they want hospital visits, too?  Why should they get to have it all?” she asked.

“While here I am, stuck with Captain Can’t-Remember-to-Put-The-Seat-Down for going on three decades,” she added, giving her husband a withering look of contempt.  “It’s just not fair.”

Other opponents of gay marriage seem equally resentful.

“So many of these same-sex couples have been in committed relationships for decades despite the fact that there was no legal contract preventing them from splitting up—and even after all those years, they still seem so dedicated to each other,” said protester Mara Taylor, interviewed during an anti-gay-marriage rally in downtown Raleigh, NC.  The state recently made headlines for amending its constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.

“My husband and I have slept in separate bedrooms for the last three years of our eight year marriage.  We can barely stand each other,” Taylor said, her voice swelling into a wail.   “But we’re married, damn it!  And that privilege makes us special!  And you can’t take that away from us by giving it to everyone!  You don’t understand– it’s all we have!”  Taylor then threw her poster-board sign to the ground and stomped on it in a rage.

“These gay couples, they think marriage is all joy and roses and shared health insurance,” said Brad Halford, who has been married twice.  “To look at them, glowing with love and acceptance and the desire to build a life together in a legally recognized fashion, is to know that they don’t understand what marriage really means.  The boredom, the sacrifice, the years of wondering whether you’ve made a terrible mistake.  Those long nights of lying next to someone whose every sleeping breath fills you with indescribable rage.”

Halford stared darkly into the distance, then shook his head, as if to clear it.

“Just think of what will happen to the sacred institution of marriage if we allow every loving, devoted couple to legally wed,” he said.  “I mean, can you imagine?”

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