Mother Nature: What Do I Have to Do Here to Convince You Assholes That Global Warming is Real?

Mother Nature released a statement this week expressing frustration with the increasingly poor treatment the earth has been subjected to at the hands of its human inhabitants.

Environmental activists were stunned by the release of the statement, which is believed to be the first of its kind.

“Seriously, folks,” it began.  “What do I have to do to get your attention here?  Do you want me to melt the polar ice caps into the shape of a giant frowny-face?  Should I strike down a couple thousand starving polar bears so that their prone bodies spell out the words ‘turn off your fucking air conditioner’ or maybe ‘stop driving six blocks to work in your damn Hummers’?”

Many scientists believe that the growing human population, coupled with modern man’s increasingly destructive and rapacious consumption of dwindling natural resources, have contributed significantly to a number of serious environmental issues, with global warming at the forefront.

However, many political conservatives continue to ignore mounting scientific evidence that climate change is an issue, insisting instead that the gradually warming temperatures across the planet are part of a larger, natural temperature cycle.

Mother Nature’s statement appeared to address this controversy head-on.

“You want a few more ninety-degree days in January up in Minnesota?” it asked.  “Did you like those?  Did they feel right?  And what about that earthquake in D.C. last year?  Did you somehow think that was a good sign?  Can I maybe send a few more devastating tsunamis your way?  Just tell me what kind of natural disaster you’re going to have to experience in order to finally stop destroying a hundred different species every single day, and I’ll get right on it.”

Mother Nature then went on a tangential rant in which she apologized for her attempt to destroy British Petroleum, which had unfortunately “backfired really badly”, and noted that Morgan Freeman’s voice-overs for several recent nature documentaries were “impeccably done” and “really some of his best work.”

“Anyway, please let me know what it’s going to take to get you to cool it with the hydraulic fracturing already,” the statement concluded.  “I thought the byproduct of flammable water would be a pretty clear indication that fracking was a bad idea, but I guess I was wrong there too.

“I’ve tried every way I can think of to send a message to you, but apparently we’re just not speaking the same language anymore.

“Stay cool, guys,” the Mother Nature said ominously in closing, adding,  “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

As of press time, Mother Nature was unavailable for further comment, and it was an unusually hot 94 degrees in Boston.

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