Avondale, MS (FWP) May 18, 2012 – Avondale, Mississippi is like many other small southern towns. However, recent actions by the town council have now placed this rural community front and center in the nation’s ever expanding war on women. On Tuesday the council voted unanimously in support of a resolution to study how the town might regulate the menstrual cycles’ of its female residents. Laura Roslin, the council’s only female member, was unable to attend the meeting because of a sick child; however her husband was able to vote in her place. The resolution creates a Menstrual Commission which is responsible for the development and implementation of a plan designed so that all the women of Avondale will have their menstrual cycles occur concurrently. The members of the commission are Reverend Shaw Moore, couples therapist Dr. Robert Hartley and Dr. Frank Burns, the town’s only gynecologist.
The Menstrual Commission has already released a preliminary report entitled Avondale’s Universal Network Table For Logging Ovulation. Once the plan is implemented AUNTFLO will ensure that every women in Avondale ovulates on the same day. The Menstrual Commission has selected the day of every full moon as Ovulation Day (O-Day). The report also provides details for how the city council will proscribe estrogen to every woman along with individualized plans for how each of them will gradually shift their own menstrual cycle until it conforms to AUNTFLO. Once the women have all achieved ‘Synchronicity’ they will be allowed to stop taking the hormone. However, if a women’s natural cycle begins to diverge from AUNTFLO she will be required to resume taking the hormones.
The council’s plan has caused some women to become irritable. Carrie White, a college student who grew up in Avondale, angrily commented after the council meeting;
“I am so fed up with this town. What will they do if a woman refuses to follow the protocol? Will the Synchronicity Police set-up a sting operation to try and catch any acts of illegal menstruation?”
However the plan is enthusiastically supported by a large majority of the town’s male population. Cooter Davenport, a local auto mechanic, expressed an opinion that is shared by most men in the town;
“I am for women’s rights and all, but they are all going to have their periods anyway. Is it really that much of an inconvenience for them to all do it at the same time?”
During AUNTFLO’s premenstrual phase the council will be sponsoring a series of trips for the men and boys. Fishing and white water rafting are two of the planned excursions. Once every year the council will organize a special trip in observance of The Purple Period, which occurs when AUNTFLO returns for a second visit in the same month. For this year’s trip the men will travel to Branson, Missouri to see a performance by the comedian Andrew Dice Clay.
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Brent Youngren has written for Free Wood Post since it began. He continues to be amazed at the general gullibility of many Americans. He has made it his mission to help create a more cynical nation. A complete list of his articles (along with a few photos of his kids) can be seen at Blog of Brent. You can also follow him on Twitter @SalParadise1000 to get updates on any new articles.