GOP officials announced this week that deep funding cuts to public schools are currently under review, thanks to a recent determination that children contribute very little to the economy, particularly when it comes to job-creation.
“As it turns out, the number of employees that your average eight year old hires annually is so close to zero that it’s not even worth analyzing,” said Bob Corker, a Republican Senator from Tennessee. “In order for our economy to get back on its feet, it’s time to focus more on subsidizing those who actually contribute to the future of this great nation: Corporate CEOs and small business owners.”
Many Republicans were aghast when they realized how much funding schools actually receive, considering the fact that children appear to be an investment with dubiously meager annual returns.
“Here we are pouring money into our public schools, and to what end?” Senator Rob Portman, R-Ohio demanded during a recent congressional hearing. “Someone show me a single job created by any one of these students during the last five years– I dare you.”
He added, “And don’t tell me ‘teaching jobs’. We all know teaching isn’t a real job.”
Referring to the fourth grade class from Brimmer Elementary that recently visited his senatorial office on a field trip as “a bunch of social-services leeches wearing Hannah Montana backpacks”, Republican Senator Dale Schultz expressed disgust with the “lazy, self-serving” attitude evinced by many of the nine-year olds he met that afternoon.
“Me, me, me,” he mimicked. “I want to be a Senator someday. Tell me how you pass laws. Please can I sit in your grown-up chair? Pathetic and humiliating,” he said.
Schultz shook his head. “Come back to me when you’ve hired a dozen or so workers in an effort to combat our country’s exponentially increasing unemployment rate, Ashley-Claire. Then maybe we’ll talk.”
Missouri Congressman Billy Long marveled at the sheer number of children in the United States who unabashedly rely on government assistance.
“Early childhood nutrition programs, vaccinations, educational initiatives– you name it, they’ve got their little hands out asking for it. It’s a drain on productive society,” he said. “Enough is enough. America’s wealthy job creators have the right to ask how long we’re going to be supporting a population that, as far as I can tell, doesn’t even pay taxes.” He paused. “Can that even be right? How is this possible?!”
Related research conducted by The Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, has determined that nearly 87% of children in the United States are unemployed or underemployed. Of those who are currently working, nearly all are in low-skilled, manual-labor fields, mainly bed-making, and dog-walking, and taking out the trash.
“Children contribute almost nothing to the economy,” concluded the foundation’s head analyst Robert Pierce. “It’s time we stopped supporting policies that coddle our nation’s youth. Plenty of other countries in the world give their children access to superior public education, healthcare, subsidized daycare and other social services. It’s time we spread the message to America’s kids that they’re far better off being born elsewhere.”