ABBOTTABAD, Pakistan (FWP) May 9, 2012 – Al Qaeda may have lost Bin Laden, but they apparently still have their lawyers. The terrorist organization has recently filed a lawsuit in an attempt to “prevent copycat terrorist groups from using the Al Qaeda name in association with acts of terrorism that were not authorized by official Al Qaeda leadership.” Al Qaeda spokesman M’balzs Al-Hari explained the reason for their lawsuit,
“We have spent years establishing Al Qaeda as the pre-eminent terrorist organization in the world. When these inferior groups try to associate themselves with our organization it cheapens the Al Qaeda brand. It is a disgrace that the proud terrorists who established Al Qaeda are now being associated with bombs hidden in underwear and shoes.”
Al Qaeda lead attorney Graabir Boubi explained that the legal team had several obstacles to overcome in preparation for their lawsuit. The first problem was deciding where to file the lawsuit.
“At first some thought we should file in the US 9th circuit. If there was any court in the United States which Al Qaeda could receive a fair hearing it would be in San Francisco. However, we decided against using the US courts because their laws on copyright infringement would have made it difficult for us to prove our case. We considered filing with the World Court, but decided that no one pays any attention to them. In the end we decided upon the Bahamas. No particular reason, we just really like the beaches. It also has the benefit of being close to Cuba in case we need to depose any of the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.”
Since no members of their legal team had any experience with Western legal systems they decided that they would hire an American attorney to assist with the lawsuit. Al Qaeda Press Secretary Awan Afuqya described the selection process,
“We all really wanted Johnnie Cochran, but when we looked him up on Wikipedia we found out that he was dead. Then we decided to contact Alan Dershowitz. At first I thought he would never agree to represent us, but then I was reminded that he had defended Leona Helmsley and Claus von Bülow. We asked him and thankfully he agreed to join our legal team.”
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Brent Youngren has written for Free Wood Post since soon after it began. He continues to be amazed at the general gullibility of many Americans. He has made it his mission to help create a more cynical nation. A complete list of his articles (along with a few photos of his kids) can be seen at Blog of Brent. You can also follow him on Twitter @SalParadise1000 to get updates on any new articles.