Facebook Postpones IPO as Investors Flock to Public Prison-For-Profit Stocks

Have you planned to invest in a criminal today?

A large private, for-profit prison company, the Corrections Corporation of America, is grabbing attention after revealing their interest in a stock market launch in the immediate future. This news comes in the midst of Facebook’s much-hyped IPO plans as well. In response to these announcements, many investors previously salivating over the idea of jumping at Facebook stocks like hungry, rabid animals are now losing their infatuation for overdramatic, vague statuses and their growing annoyance with the lack of a ‘dislike’ button and are beginning to flock over in large numbers to the private prison company’s soapbox. An investor commented:

“The new Timeline just sucks.”

Making astronomical amounts of money behind closed doors for years now, CCA has finally come to the decision to come clean about their operations – and make as much money as they can while doing so. Speculators estimate that these private prison systems are gaining so much revenue that Facebook, previously predicted to be the largest IPO in history, may take a second-place seat to this business.

The private prison company has also revealed an effective referral-based marketing scheme in the form of ‘Tattler Tax Breaks’. For every friend or family member referred to either a judge or prison owned by CCA, ‘tattlers’ get a considerable tax break, possible due to fast action by Congress and a small city’s worth of lobbyists. On top of that, for every 5th referral, they award up to a $1000 gas gift card.

Also, as a corporation that prides itself on diversification and equal opportunity, those ‘Tattler Tax Breaks’ apply double to those in the country illegally. Unlike a citizen of the United States, illegal aliens can be held for up to 1 year at no cost to the prison itself. Referrers, in turn, get anywhere from 10%-15% of the money the prison doesn’t spend on illegal aliens that it would spend on a citizen with rights.

When approached, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg began to comment but was suddenly hauled off by CCA officials, evidently one of the first to fall victim to this new referral program. An obscene hand gesture from the back of an unmarked white van was the last anyone has seen of him since.

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