Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney released a clear statement today on his plan for dealing with illegal aliens here in the United States: amnesty for Mr. Spock, Superman, and E.T.
“We cannot deny that the issue of illegal aliens, and what to do with them, is a defining one for this election. For years, Congress and the president have attempted to solve this situation; sadly, to no avail. Today, however, I have come up with a plan which finally puts this crisis to rest. When I am elected president, I will grant amnesty to Mr. Spock, Superman, and, yes, even E.T., three of the most beloved illegal aliens residing here in these great United States.”
Unsurprisingly, Romney’s announcement was decried by both ends of the political spectrum. “Yet again we have a Republican nominee who is eager to allow ‘acceptable’ aliens in but ignore or turn away those he does not agree with,” said David Axelrod, chief strategist for President Barack Obama. “Where’s Doctor Who? Where’s Yoda? Heck, even Chewbacca didn’t make the list. Chewie! What are you so afraid of, Governor Romney? Jealous of Chewie’s coiffure? Or are you just concerned Yoda will sound more articulate than you?”
Other Republicans, however, had a different take on Romney’s stand. “While we believe Governor Romney’s plan is better than anything the President has come up with, we still have grave reservations regarding this approach,” said Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. “While today it may seem like a good idea to allow Mr. Spock into our country, tomorrow we could be singing a different tune when the Klingons come knocking. And what about those Predators? Or even the Aliens from ‘Alien’? Vile, vicious creatures who reproduce through unprotected face-hugging. We don’t want those buggers landing on our shore – or bursting out our chests – and the best thing to do is keep them all out.”
Romney’s spokespeople did indicate the plan is still in flux, most notably with the candidate on the fence regarding ALF.