Santorum Holds Funeral for Unsuccessful Sperm

It was a quiet, overcast morning today at Smith Funeral Home in Philadelphia, and Rick Santorum had more than his recent presidential withdrawal to be sad about.

Santorum, his wife Karen, and their children huddled together beside a fresh grave. Their cheeks were striped with tears as they mourned the loss of the hundreds of millions of halves of potential additions to their family. Santorum agreed to hold a brief interview at the funeral, and after he gained enough control over his sobs to be understood, he shed light on his family’s devastating situation.

“It’s just…it’s very difficult to deal with,” Santorum said. “I’ve always wanted to have children, as many as I could. I want to help bring about as much life as I can. Unfortunately, that means that many halves of a potential child, or, as they say in Delaware, sperm-people, have to die in the process.”

When asked about their decision to hold a funeral, Santorum stated that it would help their children cope with the “deaths”.

“Going to a funeral and…and watching the casket go into the ground helps with understanding and coping with grief. There’s definitely a visual aspect that helps with being able to let go and move on. That’s why, after every procreative instance with Karen after our first-born, I scraped out the remaining sperm-people from her life-making hole and showed them to our children.”

Santorum admitted that despite having executed the visual coping mechanisms, he and his wife still had difficulty dealing with the loss.

“We just wanted so badly for them to make it, to see them grow. Every night after we made life, we’d sleep with the sperm-people next to us, on our pillow. It helped us feel close to the halves of the children we almost had, like we were still able to know them somehow.”

The Santorum family stood side-by-side, hand-in-hand as they watched the shiny, milky-white casket descend into the earth. When the burial ended, Santorum’s wife and children rested a home-made cross over the grave while Santorum fell to his knees, pounded the dirt with his fists and yelled, “Why?!”

The Santorum family is expected to be back at the funeral home next month, as Karen is planning on holding a service for all her unfertilized “egg-people” that had been shed during menstruation.

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