Ted Nugent: “I’m not crazy! I have One-Hit-Wonder-itis!”

 

“Rock star” Ted Nugent attempted to explain his recent inflammatory comments regarding President Obama yesterday, claiming he suffers from “One-Hit-Wonder-itis,” a relatively common disease afflicting those in the music industry.

“Look, when I said I would either be dead or in jail next November if Barack Obama was elected president again, I wasn’t threatening the life of the president or implying I would assassinate him. I was simply experiencing an episode of ‘One-Hit-Wonder-its’. That’s a real illness. You can look it up.”

Further investigation confirmed “One-Hit-Wonder-itis” does exist, and the leading expert, Dr. Oates, explained the sickness this way: “’One-Hit-Wonder-itis’ is a disease that strikes those in the music industry who have only had one major hit, or who have long since been considered relevant or important performers. Sadly, Mr. Nugent falls into the latter category. As a result, Mr. Nugent is driven to say outrageous or ridiculous statements in an effort to stay in the public eye. Much like a person with Tourette’s is compelled to blurt out inappropriate comments from time to time.”

While not officially diagnosed to until recently, Nugent is believed to have been suffering from the disease since the late 1980’s, right after his “super group” Damn Yankees scored the top ten hit “High Enough.” Since then, fewer and fewer Nugent albums have been sold, and Nugent himself has made more and more outrageous statements. Dr. Messina, colleague of Dr. Oates and another expert on the illness, said, “I think Ted has been battling this disease for over 20 years. When you consider he said about going to South Africa in 1990, ‘My being there isn’t going to affect any political structure. Besides, apartheid isn’t that cut-and-dry. All men are not created equal,’ clearly we’re dealing with a patient desperate for people to pay attention to him. So when he says things like voters should ‘chop Democrats heads off in November,’ he deserves our pity, not our outrage.”

While there is no cure for “One-Hit-Wonder-itis” yet, experts are hopeful there will be one soon. Dr. Oates explained, “Every year, more artists slip off the radar, and – wham! – they suddenly feel the uncontrollable need to ‘wake us up’ before they ‘go’. Hopefully this onslaught of afflicted artists will drive us to find a cure.” In fact, so many acts suffer from the disease, it’s now unofficial referred to as MJMS, or Mick Jagger/Madonna Syndrome.

 

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