Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a bold stand today against both illegal immigration and extreme weather by declaring the United States should protect its boarders against El Niño.
“For too long we have let both El Niño and his female counterpart, La Niña, invade our country and wreak havoc on our weather systems. It’s time for us to take a stand. When I am elected president, I will make it a top priority to seal our border against such incursions, protecting American jobs, lives, and home-grown weather patterns,” Romney said to a cheering group of supporters outside a ravaged Oklahoma trailer park.
“Just look at the devastation behind me,” Romney continued, gesturing to the homes recently uprooted by an unexpected tornado. “The folks – excuse me – the brave Americans who live in this neighborhood deserve to know they are being protected against such illegal invaders who swoop in and take away everything these people have worked so hard for! And that’s what I plan to do! Once elected, I’m ready to hear you say, ‘Mr. President, put up that wall!’”
“Of course, Governor Romney was speaking hypothetically,” his science advisor quickly pointed out. “We could not conceivably build a wall big enough to hold out both El Niño and La Niña. They’re both so elusive and sneaky. However, a dome is a strong possibility. I’ve already placed a call to the developers of the one used in that ‘Simpsons’ movie. That thing was a beauty. And completely American made, from what I understand.”
Representatives for the Niño communities were not available for comment, although an anonymous source did say, “It’s not wise to fool Mother Nature.”